You may be amazed to hear that people have
bothered to dream up jokes with a mathematical
theme, here's a few to keep you going.
Important note - DO NOT HIT THE SPACE BAR!
Have you heard about the constipated mathematician ?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Why is 6 afraid of 7? - Because 789
What do you call a crushed angle? A rectangle.
What do you call a teapot of boiling
water on top of Mount Everest.
Hypotenuse (high pot in use!)
What insect is good at maths - An accountant.
Do mermaid mathematicians wear algae bras?
Son: "Dad, will you do maths homework for me tonight?"
Father: " No son, it wouldn't be right" Son: "Well you can try."
There are 3 kinds of mathematicians -
those who can count and those who can't.
What sound does a tree make if you hit it with a drumstick?
What is the sine of 40 ?
Over the hill.
What did the little acorn say when he grew up ?
What do you call people who are in favour of tractors ?
What should you do when in rains? Coincide.
Mathematicians don't sin - they sine, and always have
a nice tan but are forever going off on a tangent.
What do you call an angle which is adorable ? Acute angle.
What did one maths book say to the other maths book ?
I have a lot of problems.
Who invented fractions? Henry 1/8.
What does the zero say to the the eight ? Nice belt!
How does a cow add ? Using a cow-culator.
Teacher: What is 2k + k? Student: 3000!
What do you get if you divide the cirucmference
of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? Pumpkin Pi!
Teacher: "Who can tell me what 7 times 6 is?"
Student: "It's 42!"
Teacher: "Very good! - And who can tell me what 6 times 7 is?"
Same student: "It's 24!"
A mathematician is flying non-stop from Edmonton to Frankfurt with AirTransat. The scheduled flying time is nine hours. Some time after taking off, the pilot announces that one engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "Don't worry - we're safe. The only noticeable effect this will have for us is that our total flying time will be ten hours instead of nine." A few hours into the flight, the pilot informs the passengers that another engine had to be turned off due to mechanical failure: "But don't worry - we're still safe. Only our flying time will go up to twelve hours." Some time later, a third engine fails and has to be turned off. But the pilot reassures the passengers: "Don't worry - even with one engine, we're still perfectly safe. It just means that it will take sixteen hours total for this plane to arrive in Frankfurt." The mathematician remarks to his fellow passengers: "If the last engine breaks down, too, then we'll be in the air for twenty-four hours altogether!"
A math student is pestered by a classmate who wants to copy his homework assignment. The student hesitates, not only because he thinks it's wrong, but also because he doesn't want to be sanctioned for aiding and abetting. His classmate calms him down: "Nobody will be able to trace my homework to you: I'll be changing the names of all the constants and variables: a to b, x to y, and so on." Not quite convinced, but eager to be left alone, the student hands his completed assignment to the classmate for copying. After the deadline, the student asks: "Did you really change the names of all the variables?" "Sure!" the classmate replies. "When you called a function f, I called it g; when you called a variable x, I renamed it to y; and when you were writing about the log of x+1, I called it the timber of x+1..."
There are 10 kinds of mathematicians.
Those who can think binarily and those who can't...!!!
The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..." The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!" "Well - just take a larger pot!"
A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on
your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding
that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
Theorem. A cat has nine tails. Proof. No cat has eight tails. Since one cat has one more tail than no cat, it must have nine tails.
Q: What do you get if you add two apples and three apples?
A: A high school math problem!
Trigonometry for farmers: swine and coswine...
The math professor just accepted a new position at a university in another city and has to move. He and his wife pack all their belongings into cardboard boxes and have them shipped off to their new home. To sort out some family matters, the wife stays behind for a few more days while her husband has already left for their new residence. The boxes arrive when the wife still hasn't rejoined her husband. When they talk on the phone in the evening, she asks him to count the boxes, just to make sure the movers didn't loose any of them. "Thirty nine boxes altogether", says the prof on the phone. "That can't be", the wife exclaims. "The movers picked up forty boxes at our old place." The prof counts once again, but again his count only reaches 39. The next morning, the wife calls the moving company and complains. The company promises to check; a few hours later, someone calls back and reports that all forty boxes did arrive. In the evening, when the prof and his wife are on the phone again, she asks: "I don't understand it. When you count, you get 39, and when they do, they get 40. That's more than strange..." "Well", the prof says. "This is a cordless phone, so you can stay on the line and count with me: zero, one, two, three,..."
At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a Caucasian male (later discovered to be a high school mathematics teacher) was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Maths teacher mum talking to her son
"…if I've told you n times I've told you n+1 times"